My Darling First Born


My Darling First Born

From the moment the strip turned pink, I knew I could never love anything else as much as I did you. I had prayed for you since I was a little girl. I fought for your life, and will continue to do so for the rest of mine. You reached down into the debs of my heart and pulled out the person I was always meant to be. Your mother. And now our time alone together has come to an end. Your sister is here and my heart is fuller than its ever been, but also feels divided. You've changed so much in this last week. Your independent, and funnier than ever. I hate thinking that you might possibly feel like we've replaced you with another little girl. But that is not true. As I learn to adjust my time and spread my love for you both, please be patient with me and I will with you. You will always be my first born, the one who made me a mama. And you'll always be my baby.

So thankful for Alyssa and her capturing these last magical moments of just the two of us. Follow her at @alyssaricole on instagram.  

And Thank you to my sweet mama friend Jessica Klein for doing my makeup! Follow her on instagram @j_Klein21 She as the most beautiful family. Her son is a freaking stud, and her daughter is a dream! 

As I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before. I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me” And I hear myself telling you in mine,”I can’t,” knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying her — as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.

There are new times — only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.

And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.

And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you — only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you — you each have your own supply.

I love you — both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.


Whats In My Hospital Bag

1 Comment

Whats In My Hospital Bag

So today is November 26. I was woken up at 2 am by some mild pain in my pelvis area. I started timing them and some tightness in my stomach as well. Since I don't feel normal contractions, I have to pay attention to everything I'm feeling. SO I got up and started cleaning up the room and doing some laundry. At about 4:30 I went back to bed, and woke up again at 6 with a little stronger contractions lasting a minute and 3-4 min apart. So we got up and got ready, fed adaline and dropped her off with my parents and headed to the hospital. At about 8 am we got there and I was taken in to the admission/triage room. They monitored my contractions and saw that they were pretty close together, but because I have a posterior cervix the nurse told me that the monitor can't pick up the contractions intensity. So she checked me, which hurts more than any contraction Ive ever felt, and found out that the end of my cervix is dilated to a 3 but the top of it was only dilated to a 1 maybe a 2. So after speaking with a mid wife they decided to send me home. Cue all the frustration. Thankfully all the cervix checking caused some more intense contractions, but Im not about to go in again and be sent home. So ill just be chilling waiting until the pain is unbearable and pray I don't deliver in the car or at home. So while Im wasting time I decided to put up this blog about whats in my hospital bag. Maybe then she will decided to come.  


Diaper Bag/Hospital Bag: By ItzyRitzy 

I am really excited to use this backpack as a diaper bag, but for now its packed for the hospital. You don't really need much for the baby in your hospital bag since the hospital provides the diapers and everything else. The only baby items you need are the clothes or swaddles, bows, beanies, props you want for pictures (Most hospitals take new born pictures for you if you aren't having your own taken.) So in my hospital bag I have a swaddle, a layette for her to sleep in, a coming home outfit, and possibly an additional outfit for those first newborn blow outs. 



Mommy items: 

  • Nursing Bra - Mine is from the Dairy Fairy. Its the Ayala Style. Click here to shop 
  • Earth Mama Organics- Milkmaid Tea- I drank this right away with Adaline because she was taken to the NICU. You can just add for some hot water and add the tea bags to it and start helping your milk production right away. 
  • Earth Mama Organics- Nipple Butter
  • BelleFit Girdle- Im so excited to try this! I didn't have a good one last time, and was really uncomfortable in my pre pregnancy pants without something to hold in the flabby tummy skin. You can shop their Postpartum Girdles here and use my cone Hannah20 for $20 of your order
  • Monat Dry Shampoo 
  • Make up bag 
  • Bamboobies Washable Nursing Pads
  • Warm fuzzy socks 
  • Cozy PJs to wear after you can get rid of the nasty hospital gowns. Something comfortable to sleep in but cute enough to wear for when your visitors stop by. 
  • Shower Sandals 
  • Toiletries (travel size)
  • Phone Charger 
  • Your own pillow 
  • Blanket 
  • Hair Brush 
  • Deodorant 
  • Makeup (if you want) 

Claramae's Items: 


Brian also has a hospital bag packed with clothes for him to change into, toiletries, a phone charger, some snacks, shower shoes (incase he's coming straight from work) and a jacket because its always so cold in the hospital. I think he even has a book or something to read to kill time so that he's not pacing and snooping in the hospital cabinets. I get anxiety and stressed when I feel like I need to entertain people who are waiting on me so I need him to be very entertained and taken care of. 

Thats all for now, if you have any questions or i forgot to link something, just comment below and ill try to remember where it was from. 

* If you're having a birth photographer I suggest getting together a little snack bag for them. Maybe some candy, trail mix, energy drinks*

I hope this helped you figure out what to pack for your hospital bag, and good luck with the delivery of your sweet babe! 

Hannah Lorain

1 Comment

Black Friday/ Cyber Monday Christmas Sales


Black Friday/ Cyber Monday Christmas Sales

Hi guys! If you're like me, you've waited to do your christmas shopping until their are some awesome deals, and you're probably not very interested in spending hours in crowded lines dealing with crazy people throwing shoulders and fighting like children to get the last item. So I have put together some of my favorite shops for you to take advantage of! 

Shop JORD Wood Watches this Christmas Season

First off, we have JORD watches

Dover- Koa & Black

Dover- Koa & Black

Since I got Brian a watch for valentines day from JORD, see here, I decided to gift this one to another special guy in my life. One you don't see about in my feed at all really because he lives on the other side of the country. But apart from my dad, and brian, he's the only other guy that holds a piece of my heart...and that is my brother. He lives in Virginia and works at a coffee shop and loves watches. So when I saw this watch I immediately thought of him. 

Fill out this survey to get your Discount Code! 

If you want this exact watch then just click here, or on the picture on the right.  

You can check out the women watches here, or the other mens watches here


Shop DIFF Eyewear This Christmas Season

And Make a Difference with your purchase 


Secondly we have Diff Eyewear! What's awesome about this company is that with each purchase you're making a DIFFerence. They donate a pair of glasses to kids in need with each sale. So not only are you getting gorgeous stunna shades, you are also helping children all over the world see better and further their learning. I personally own now 3 of their sunglasses. I first learned about them once JoJo from The Bachelorette released her own frames with DIFF, and Ive been hooked every since. They are having an awesome Sale. 

Buy One Pair, 30% off your order (Excludes new styles and licensing) 
Buy Two Pairs, 40% off your order (Excludes new styles and licensing) 
Buy Three Pairs, 50% off your order ( Excludes new styles and licensing) 

I personally own the Zoey Black + Blue Mirror lens.  and the Scout- Light Gunmetal  as well as the JoJo frames that are no longer available. 

Screen Shot 2017-11-22 at 4.23.09 PM.png
Screen Shot 2017-11-22 at 4.20.01 PM.png

Shop Land of Nod This Christmas Season

First off, this post is not sponsored. I am simply adding this next item simple because I think EVERYONE needs it for their babes. It is Land of Nod's Activity chair. You can shop it here or by clicking on either picture.  Adaline got this for Christmas last year and it has been amazing. She still uses it. And because of her low muscle tone it was exactly what she needed to learn to sit independently. We were not allowed to use toys that created an artificial seat making it easy for her. So this was perfect. Its padded, a flat natural surface with a high packing, and has a lot of sensory and fine motor activities. Plus its not a sore to look at!  They are having free shipping and 20% off! 


Shop Austlen This Christmas Season 

Alright, last post! This one is also just a product I LOVE (and bought) that I want to share with you. I looked for MONTHS to find the best double stroller that fit our lifestyle. And The Entourage by Austlen stole both my heart and Brian's. So here are some photos that perfect showcase why I LOVE this stroller so much! 

Alright guys, I think thats it for this post. I hope you all had wonderful Thanksgiving, and Happy Black Friday, and MERRY CHRISTMAS! <3


Hannah Lorain 


Down Syndrome Awareness: Unicorn Farts and MythBusters


Down Syndrome Awareness: Unicorn Farts and MythBusters

Were towards the end of October, which means closing out Down Syndrome Awareness Month. On the 29th, we will be attending the Buddy Walk in Anaheim for Down Syndrome. We finally got our Adaline's Army shirts, and I can't wait to see how you guys rock them! We are so grateful for all of you who are apart of her army. It takes a village, and in this case it takes an Army. When I was pregnant, and shortly after her birth my biggest fear was how the public will view her and treat her as she grows up and become an independent adult and braves the world without her mama. And all of your love and support and encouragement has helped ease my anxious heart for her future. I Know there will be those who are just evil at heart and don't understand her beauty and value, but for every 1 of them there are thousands of you who love her.

While I try to keep my page uplifting and sharing the beauty of Down Syndrome, I also feel like it is educational to share the bad things as well. A lot of us mamas that use Social Media to show the world our kiddos who have a little something extra are just as "Normal" as the rest of us, have received some flack for only preaching rainbows and unicorns. They have actually classified it as a "Unicorn Fart". That we don't accurately display the trials of raising a child with "special needs". Soo...heres the thing. Yes, Down Syndrome comes with some scary not so magical trials. But doesn't parenting in general? Is it the medical treatments that are scary and need to be talked about more? If so... isn't it safe to say that all of us have some sort of health issue? Life threatening illnesses aren't only happening to children with Down Syndrome? And you don't see parents of typical kids saying that their children aren't worth it because they spend more time and money in hospitals making their child healthy than they thought they would. When you decide to have sex and get pregnant you're choosing to love and care for your child no matter what their diagnosis is. No matter how healthy they are or aren't. 

We have been blessed with Adaline's health. There have been some minor issues but they have worked themselves out and so far she has never needed surgery or to be hospitalized longer than a night. I would say I'm more unhealthy than she is. The other things Ive read is that us "DS" mamas tell their kids they can do anything they want, "when that just isn't true". My question is why aren't we allowed to be as supportive and encouraging as other parents are to their kids. If I want Adaline to believe she can be a doctor or even president (though I would hate for her to have that job), I am going to make sure she knows she is capable of anything she wants to do. Because the reality is she's not going to be president, and if she doesn't want to be a doctor than she won't be. Our parents told us we were capable of being anything we wanted to be, and how many of you have been president, or governor for that matter? I won't stop pouring encouragement into my children and building up their self esteem just because SOMEONE things she isn't capable. The world is going to limit her, but I AM NOT. And just because she has an extra chromosome doesn't mean I'm going to love her less or encourage her less than her sister. 



People with Down Syndrome are so happy all the time. They don't feel anger. 
This could not be more false. Though Adaline is happy more than 50% of the time, she gets MAD. And her mad is uncontrollable. She feels emotion with all of her being. When she is happy it radiates through every inch of her. Her smile, her eyes, her body movements, her voice. But when she is mad, its INSANE. Sometimes its over absolutely nothing. She will just randomly scream at the top of her lungs if she doesn't like the shopping cart she's in. 

People with Down Syndrome are your forever babies. 
As much as I would love that idea, that is also not true. People with Down Syndrome grow up to hold jobs, get married, and move out of their parents house. There are cases (just like with typical people) that they need more help than others. Heck I am 25, married, and have almost 2 kids and still living a foot away from my parents in the back house. (Though that is due to the fact that California is OUTRAGEOUSLY expensive.) 

Only older people give birth to baby with Down Syndrome. 
Most children with Down syndrome are born to women younger than 35 years old simply because younger women have more children. However, the likelihood of having a child with Down syndrome increases with the age of the mother, especially after age 35. 

Adults with Down Syndrome have the cognitive ability of children. 
People with Down syndrome have a mild to moderate cognitive disability, or intellectual disability. This is not indicative of the many strengths and talents that each individual possesses. Sometimes it might take a person who has a disability a little extra time and effort to get things done or said.

There are different levels of Down Syndrome
This one is so funny to me. I understand how some can think that. I used to describe it as "more severe or less severe", but thats just not correct. Because Down Syndrome is a diagnosis based on the genetic make up (number of chromosomes), you can't be more Down Syndrome than another person. You either have Down Syndrome or you don't. And just like the rest of us, their intelligence and cognitive abilities vary. Im a huge proponent for being proactive with her therapies and education. * I personally think that people get this idea from comparing Adults now with Down Syndrome to this new generation of kids with Down Syndrome. You have to remember that 25-30 years ago, there were not as many resources and people didn't know as much as they do know. There are so many resources out there and communities. I believe we are going to see a HUGE revival in the work place and school place in this new upcoming generation of people who have Down Syndrome. 

All People with Down Syndrome look the same. 
This one makes no sense. People with Down Syndrome can be any race. White, African American, Asian, Hispanic. They can have brown hair or blonde hair. green eyes or brown eyes. Tall, or short, round or lean. Just because they may have the same almond shaped eyes, or flat nose, doesn't mean they all look alike. 

Negative Comments We've Received about Adaline 

 I don't usually like to talk about these things because they get me so angry, but I believe if I share the negative things people say, then hopefully a parent reading this will feel inspired to educate their children on people with disabilities and together we are able to stop people like Adaline from being bullied later on in her life.  

"Awww. Im sorry, did you know before you had her?" - This one may not seem very negative, but to me as her mother, I find it extremely hurtful when someone insinuates that I would have made a different decision on her life had I known before hand. And yes, I actually did know. 

"So are all your kids going to be like Adaline?" hahaha.. Dear God I hope so. She was the easiest, happiest, newborn and is just the funniest toddler. And If I was only able to have babies with Down Syndrome, that wouldn't stop be from having them! 

*This next one I didn't hear, my family member did when we were stepping off the plane*
"Mommy, that baby is so cute." "Yeah, but she has Down Syndrome". Wait what? what does that even mean? So what... what does her having Down Syndrome have to do with her being cute. This one still stumps me. 

"What is it...bring your Retarded kid to the mall day?" -This is probably the only time (thus far) where I have reacted emotionally in person. First off... EVERYONE needs to stop using the R word. It is hateful and mean. Secondly, this woman must have so much hatred in her heart and life I can't even imagine. This happened to me in the line at Victoria Secret. She turned around, looked at me holding Adaline, and turned to her friend and made that comment. I may have called her some ungodly names, and turned around and left. Had I not had Adaline in my hands. God only knows what I would have done. 

"People with Down Syndrome need to put down. They are just a drain on this world. When they are 60 years old and $h*ting themselves and our taxes are paying to clean them up they won't be as cute. " - This was a comment I received on my Instagram a few months back. This account pretty much just goes round commenting mean things on peoples accounts who promote Down Syndrome. And also.... I was unaware that when Adaline turns 60 she will loose all control of her bowels. *eye roll* 

* Some other comments that you might not know are incorrect to say*

Babies who have Down Syndrome are not "Downs" babies. Maybe its just me because I am her mother, but the term "downs" seems to have such a negative meaning behind it. Which is why I like to use UpSyndrome. There really is nothing Down about Adaline. 

(Hannah) is the mom who has the Down Syndrome baby, Adaline. I really really want to make sure Adaline knows her diagnosis is not all that she is. She is Adaline who just so happens to have Down Syndrome. It shouldn't be the first thing people see about her. We don't describe each other as "the white" person, or "brown person". I really hope people can learn to view Down Syndrome as such a genetic trait. Just like she has blue eyes or auburn hair. We don't lead an introduction with physical traits. 

She looks so Downs. Again with the word downs. And of course, she has down syndrome, sometimes she will do things that hight light those certain traits. Theres not a reason to point it out. Maybe its just a thing that bothers me, and not other mamas, but my whole hope for her life is that her diagnosis is not her identity. I feel like it shouldn't even need to be a talking point. But thats just me. 


If you got to the bottom of this, you're a trooper. I know all my blogs are so long when it comes to talking about Up Syndrome. I just don't know how to shorten them and get my point across with out over explaining things. I never want you guys to leave my blog feeling offended. If you've ever said any of these things to me, I'm not upset. I just want to educate and explain how sometimes what we say comes off the wrong way. I too have said things that were hurtful or "wrong" before I was in this situation. And the reality is, not everyone is going to have a child who has Down Syndrome. Heck some of you may have never even met a person with a "disability". So my hopes are that we can all learn and grow together so that when we are faced withs something we don't know much about, we are careful and slow to speak. 

Alright, thats it for now. 
Much Love <3


Hannah Lorain

These sizes are available: (First come first serve)  

XS- 1
S- 2
M- 2
L- 5
XL- 1
XXL- 2
6 months- 1
12 months-1
18 months- 1
24 months/2T- 2

I will send you an invoice via Paypal so please leave your Paypal email so I can send you the correct total based on your order quantity. Thank you <3 

Name *



Prenatal Diagnosis Story (T21)

DISCLAIMER: Alright, so this isn't the first time Im sharing this story, but its the first time since our life has gone public. The last blog post I did about my prenatal story and how relentless the doctors were about terminating based on my diagnosis received A LOT of hate. I was told that because of the place of privilege from which I speak from, I pretty much shouldn't have a say in the matter. As if having a wealthy family to help you, or not having help is a reason to terminate any life. So if me choosing to love and carry to term a pregnancy that was "doomed" by doctors from the start offends you, then stop reading. Because you will NOT change my opinion on the value of life. I speak for those who cannot speak for themselves because they aren't valued. And if that offends you, then I really don't know why you're following me. 

NOW... lets get to the good stuff. 

Brian and I married on memorial day weekend in 2015. Shortly after we began our journey with the army, and in August we found out we were pregnant. Towards the end of September (around 13 weeks pregnant) I came home from grocery shopping one day, and looked down and I was loosing lots of blood. I drove myself to my OB, where they performed an emergency ultrasound. (This was the beginning of fighting for my child's right to live.) After an incompetent nurse couldn't find the heartbeat on the doppler she told me "oh it died". After I freaked out, she said that she meant the batteries in the doppler. So I demanded to see a professional and have an ultrasound. They were able to find a heart beat and the baby looked healthy, but I had just received our results for the chromosome test, (something we only did so that we could find out the gender before Brian left for BCT because we would have no communication). 

The results of this test are not always accurate. A lot of people receive false positives, and false negatives because the test is a screening of the placenta blood rather than the amniotic fluid. And because I was having complications with my placenta, I was warned that the test could have been a false positive, but I wouldn't know for sure until I did an amnio. Something I didn't want to do because of the higher chance of a miscarriage and I was already having complications. 

After the exam, they told me that my cervix was open and because my baby could potentially have down syndrome I would most likely miscarry before I could make it to full term, so they weren't going to "artificially preserve her life" by stitching my cervix closed. So this began my bed rest. ( Now if you think I am "playing God" by trying to save my pregnancy from a miscarriage, then what is your argument for doctors and modern medicine? Or Firefighters, or nurses? Or Cops? Saving a life is not playing God. And I'm sure if you were the one needing your life saved you wouldn't consider it a crime.) 

Bed rest followed until I was about 20ish weeks pregnant. I bled most if not all of this time. Brian had left for the next 8 months at this time.  Because of the positive screening, they ran extra tests. My NT ultrasound came back normal, no markers for Down Syndrome. My anatomy scan came back normal other than a small focal point, which had I not done the genetic test they would have dismissed as a soft marker. So to be safe I was sent to a specialist at USC Hospital in Pasadena. I was first briefed by a very cold and robotic genetic counselor. I was made aware of my options, and repeatedly asked to do further testing to get a concrete diagnosis before it was "too late". A CVS and an Amnio. I declined. Then I saw the fetal heart specialist. I wish I could remember his name, but I will forever remember his face. As I laid on that cold hospital bed in that dark ultrasound room, shaking from nerves, he approached my case with absolutely no care in the world. "Now, you're farther along than normal gestation for an amnio, but if you're worried we can do an Emergency procedure and I can rush your results so you have time...". We had not even done the ultrasound at this point. I declined again. He began the vaginal ultrasound. Now I can't read anything on those things, but I immediately knew something was wrong. With my basic knowledge of the human body, I knew both halves of the heart should be very similar in size. Adeline's were not. One was significantly smaller than the other. As if it was just not going to develop. I instantly started crying. 

"Because we don't know if you're fetus has Trisomy 21, there are a few different reasonings for this heart issue. Now if it is normal, then the heart could possible develop later on in utero. But if the fetus does have T21 then you're looking at some major heart issues. If it can even survive a stressful birth with this heart, it would then need to undergo open heart surgery or a transplant. And thats if you make it to full term. But theres no way to know for sure without an amnio." 

I didn't speak much after that. I cried a lot. My mom held my hand and prayed the whole time. I don't remember much of what went through my head, other than fear. Fear of losing her before i even got to meet her. Fear of meeting her and not getting a chance to be her mom. Just Fear. And sorrow. Sadness that this perfect living little girl who I had grown so attached to was being talked about as if she was already dead. This was the point where I decided I need to "know for sure". So out of fear, I consented to an Emergency Amnio. 

"I know you said no to terminating, but no one would blame you. Having kids is hard, having kids with special needs is even harder. Its going to be all about doctors visits, and surgeries...." Im sure he went on and on as that long painful needles was pierced through my stomach into the warm safe home my daughter was living in...but i tuned him out. I just cried and prayed, Prayed that her heart would heal, prayed that the needle wouldn't hurt her, prayed that I wouldn't miscarry. Prayed that she would get to live. Prayed that something would be wrong with me instead. If it was between her living or me... that it would be her. 

It would be about 2 weeks before we would find out the results. "My office will call you with the results, unless there are other findings". Then that was it. I remember sitting in the passenger seat as my mom drove us home, and I felt numb. She asked me how I felt, and I remember saying something along the lines of "I just know she doesn't have Down Syndrome. She'll be fine." Im not sure if this "peace" I had was my way of dealing with everything I had just heard, or if i was going through the denial part of this healing process.

On December 15th, the phone rang. It was my OB. " Hi, Hannah. We have your results from USC and your OB would like to meet with you tomorrow to discuss some other findings". Silence. "What other findings? I was supposed to get a call to confirm or deny the T21 diagnosis." Silence. "Uhhh...yesss...welll... I cannot tell you this over the phone, and the Doctor really needs to discuss the other findings with you in person, but he isn't available until tomorrow afternoon." Loud Silence. "Hmmm. ok. Then ill be there tomorrow. Goodbye." 

Tears. Hot, burning, tears. What other findings can be picked up by an amnio? Google became my biggest enemy that day. Cancer, Fatal Diseases...the list just got scarier as I kept researching. 

Those next 24 hours was full of anger, fear, acceptance. I remember being so mad at God. I promised Him that if He took her from me, i would never speak to Him again. Then I read Hannah's prayer to God in Samuel. 

10 Hannah was in deep anguish, crying bitterly as she prayed to the Lord. 11 And she made this vow: “O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, if you will look upon my sorrow and answer my prayer and give me a son, then I will give him back to you. He will be yours for his entire lifetime, and as a sign that he has been dedicated to the Lord, his hair will never be cut.[b]”- 1 Samuel 1:10-11

My prayer became like a bargain. A plea. A trade. Never in my life have I felt the need to actually get down on my knees and plead a prayer to God. He usually always meets me where I am at. But this time was different. I had never in my life prayed so hard, so passionately and so serious. My life was not my own. I was ready to give it up. To lay it down in exchange for my babes health. My life for hers. This is the moment I became a mother. A love I have never in my life experienced took over me. And by the end of the night, I was at peace with dying.

Now I know all this sounds so morbid and sad, and a little dramatic. But add some intense pregnancy hormones, my hormone imbalance, these dramatic situations, and an absent husband and you get an irrational woman. Plus 24 hours to mull over every possible bad scenario would make anyone crazy. But I truly believe that I needed to spend those 24 hours in the darkest hole I had even been in to come face to face with the reality I was about to be given. 

December 16th, 2015. " Now I know you say you don't plan on terminating, However.... Your results show that your daughter does have Trisomy 21....Down Syndrome". I waited... and waited... and still nothing.... 

"Thats it? Thats all the results say?" 

"Uhm. Yes?" 

"And theres nothing else? No other findings?"


"Ohh...okay cool". 

"I...uhhh... Are you okay? I know this can be shocking. I have a cousin who has Down Syndrome and he's the favorite of the family. They are just so happy....." insert a bunch of non sense about how all people with down syndrome are the same happy go lucky people. 

"Yeah, Im fine. I have worked with people who have Down Syndrome. Their the best. Im not worried." 

I think my lack of emotion shocked him. And I think I shocked myself. Everyone I had talked to before we knew the amnio results, always shared with me how they had to go through a grieving process. The angry stage, before they could reach acceptance. I always waited for that part to hit me. But it never did. Now i know that part of the healing process is very important for a lot of people. Its necessary for most if not all. But because of my unique situation, after those past 24 hours, receiving "just" a Down Syndrome Diagnosis was my best case scenario. I was getting a shot at life with her. It was going to be a fight, but it was going to be worth it. 

A few short days after all this, Brian came home for 2 weeks for Christmas leave. He didn't know anything that had happened over the last few weeks. I remember being so nervous to tell him. I didn't know how, I didn't know when. But I will never forget his response. 

"So babe... while you were gone they found some things wrong with the baby. I had to see a fetal specialist, and there are some issues concerning her heart which resulted in me getting an Amnio to determine if she will have down syndrome or not... And she does." 


"Soo... our child isn't going to be "normal". 

"Hannah... we already knew that. Me and you are the farthest things from normal... but she's ours and thats all that matters. Normals boring anyways" 

And that ladies and gentlemen... is why I love this man. 

While he was home, possibly 3 weeks after I had received the positive diagnosis, we were sent to Children's Hospital LA to meet with a team of fetal specialist who would do extensive ultrasounds on all of Adalines body. Mainly the heart, since that was our biggest concern. I remembering being so at peace, and once again just felt like she would be fine. After 3 hours of ultrasounds. the doctors came to me and asked me why I was there. I told them my daughter has down syndrome and they are concerned about her health. Somehow, ( All glory to Jesus Christ) in the past month from when the amnio was performed and her heart was clearly not developing, to this point and time, EVERYTHING was working as it should. He told me had I not done an amnio he would not believe he was looking at the organs and fetal development of a T21 pregnancy. My baby was healed. 

The next 10 weeks or so were a breeze. I finally got to enjoy my pregnancy and prepare for her arrival. Labor and Delivery was the best and worst experience ever. I was not nervous or scared at all. I was so calm and excited and so ready to meet this girl who had already changed my life. She was taken from me right away and put in the NICU, but mostly because of an infection she had because I had gotten sick towards the end of my pregnancy from traveling across country to Brians graduation, and transfer to AIT. 

Now, if Im being honest, I still didn't believe Adaline had down syndrome after the diagnosis. I honestly don't think I was in denial. I just think I was uneducated. I was really denying all of the stigmas I knew about Down Syndrome. Down Syndrome has never been and never will be, a way I describe my daughter. She is Adaline Grace. She is strong. She is a fighter. She is love. She is joy. She is flawless. So what...she has 3 copies of the 21st Chromosome. She is healthy, and loved and ambitious. She is changing the world. She is Adaline