This post is something I’ve refused to share for almost 10 weeks now. Not because I was embarrassed to but because I was so confident in my self and what I “knew” God was doing. However recently my confidence was rocked, and my faith in what God is actually doing opposed to what I wanted him to be doing was challenged. At around 10 weeks I had just gotten home from grocery shopping and felt something strange. Within seconds after getting to the bathroom I was losing cups and cups of blood. No one was home so I cleaned my self up and drove to my doctor. Upon arrival I was taken in for an emergency ultrasound and exam. It took longer than normal to find the baby’s heart beat but they did find it. There was no harm done to her, only my physical body. The placenta was compromised and covering the cervix. I had what you call “Placenta Privea” and would need to remain on bed rest until the bleeding stopped. At 13 weeks I got my results for a panorama blood screening. (The only reason I did this test was to find out the gender of our baby before Brian left. Because he is missing the birth I wanted him to experience some part of this pregnancy). The day before we had planned to find out and announce our baby’s gender I received a call from my doctor with some other results. I was high risk for having a Down Syndrome baby. I immediately told my self I couldn’t do it. Though I had worked with Down Syndrome kids in high school and absolutely adored them and saw first hand how they change your life, I was convinced I could not properly mother one. Maybe years down the road once we were retired and I could stay home and devote my life to caring for one. But not now. Not as a newly wed and only 23 years old. Well, about a week after announcing we were expecting a baby girl, I was experiencing severe pain in my abdomen and pelvis area. So another emergency doctors trip happened. I was experiencing contractions and my cervix was open. I rested a few days and was instructed to wait and see what my body would do. (Science was showing my body was trying to reject the pregnancy.) After more resting I went to USC Hospital and met with a genetic disorder counselor and had another exam to check the cervix and placenta. God was keeping her super safe in there. My cervix was closed but the placenta was still low. Next thing for them to do was reasonably convinced me to do an amniocentesis. Now the risk of miscarriage with an amnio is less than 1%. However with my body being weak and already having complications I was very hesitant to have an amnio. Thankfully I would need to wait three weeks until I was 16 weeks to have the amnio. So I set the apt and went home continuing bed rest. At this point in my pregnancy I was convinced the screenings were wrong and compromised due to my incompetent cervix and placenta. So I prayed that if the baby was healthy and there wasn’t a need for the amnio that God would allow another small complication to keep me from being able to have the amnio but keep my baby girl healthy. I went almost three weeks without any complication. Which was such a relief. But the night before my amnio was scheduled I woke up in the middle of the night loosing blood again. After all night and morning in the hospital I was released. My baby was completely fine, my body was just weak again and I needed to remain on bed rest yet again. So the amnio was canceled. All together I bled for almost 3 months. Once I told all my doctors that it did not matter to me if she had Down Syndrome and that I would be keeping her no matter what, that was the end of discussing any invasive procedures! (Though I was convinced she wasn’t Down syndrome based on how God was answering my prayers and the other test results showing her development was normal and healthy.) I would be scheduled for an ultrasound every two weeks to check her growth and if my placenta was moving upwards. After 2 or 3 consecutive appointments and improvement in my body’s strength and health, the placenta had moved and Placenta Privea was no longer a issue. My confidence in my own strength and faith was sky rocketing and I was telling my self I knew what God was doing. He was just using me and my faith to prove these doctors and science wrong. I didn’t notice how much I thought “ I didn’t need God” once I had become so confident and strong in my self. On November 23rd my husband left for basic training. He will be gone for 8 months (other than his exodus for Christmas) and will return when our baby girl is almost 4 months old. It was then I realized how much I needed God to get through just the normal day without my partner. And a little over a week of him being gone I went in for my next every-2-week-ultrasound. Expecting the same results as before and to move out of the high risk percentile, something else came up. This ultrasound showed some abnormalities in her heart. Yet again a trip to USC hospital was planned for a week later where I would have an EKG ultrasound on her heart. Today, December 3rd, was that trip. Now this was the first day in my entire pregnancy where I was not confident in what was about to take place. I no longer had that gut feeling she was perfectly healthy and I was going to yet again prove science wrong. The doctor started by asking why I canceled the amnio and I couldn’t give my usual God is bigger than science reaction because my confidence was shaken. Other than the fact that I don’t need to know if she has Down syndrome or not because I am not terminating and will love her no matter what, I was unsure as to why I hadn’t had an amnio. But he nicely respected my opinion and began with the ultrasound. Baby girl was super active and it took a few tries to get an accurate still photo of her heart. But when he did, my world stopped. I could see it. Something was not right. He calmly pointed out that she had a spot on her heart and for lack of better words her left ventricle was not as developed as her right. Both are markers for Down Syndrome. After a burst of emotions and tears and what felt like forever I timidly asked for an amnio. I now needed to know for sure if my baby was going to have a heart defect due to her being Down syndrome of if she was just going to have a heart defect. The procedure only took about 1 min total. We were back on the road driving home. Thankfully my mom tricked me into drinking apple juice knowing the sugar would make my little girl active all day which would calm my anxiety of potentially loosing the pregnancy. If I could feel and see her moving I wouldn’t be as worried. In 10 days I should know definitively the future of my baby’s health. And in 2 weeks I will have my husband home to discuss all this with him before he goes back after Christmas. As I sat around all day sleeping and thinking about what God is doing I started to feel convicted. Not for being so confident in my faith that He would heal her, because I still believe he can do that. Instead I felt convicted for not sharing this experience with others. Down syndrome pregnancy is not abnormal. I’m sure plenty of women go through the anxiety and the positive test results of having a special baby. (Thats exactly what she is. She is special. She is not disabled. She is capable of being anything she wants to be. And if you have a different opinion, well thats a different post for another time). I am not publicly announcing all of these trials for pity. If thats what you think Im doing this for, take your self away from here and please don’t send me some long message on how terrible all this is to go through without my husband. Because the truth of the matter is Im way too prideful and too independent to even want pity. I have a strong faith in Jesus and a pretty strong family for support as well. The reason Ive finally decided to tell the social media world this is because of what others might be going through. If I can be an encouragement to someone in my same position or even be a beacon of light to people who need to believe in a miracle and have hope, than that is why I am sharing such personal information. Pregnancy is rough. And my pride has kept me from sharing my trials with anyone. I haven’t been allowing God to be glorified in my struggles and pain. It is a miracle to grow life inside your body. And an even bigger miracle to grow a healthy life inside your body. And now if God decides to work an even bigger miracle and heal my child and I deliver a perfectly healthy baby girl, everyone will know about it and see the work God is doing. Because all science points to an unhealthy baby. And if God thinks I’m strong enough to raise a baby girl with health problems then I look forward to the day he reveals His plan as to why. This little girl has already changed my life and stollen my heart. Though I selfishly pray for a perfectly healthy baby girl, I know that no matter what delivery day holds she is perfectly knit together in my womb by such an amazing Creator. She is made perfectly in His image. She is mine.