Psalms 34:4 – I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.
John 13:7 – Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but someday you will”.
Be still my heart. I write this with a full, yet heavy heart. As I look down at my very active belly, full of life and joy, I am stricken with fear. It has taken me a very long time to physically write these words down. Not because of shame or anxiety, but because God has a way of allowing all of my fears to become my reality. I jokingly always said God always answered my prayers with a yes, but he also gives me what I physically cannot handle. Not out of malice or anger, but so that when I do make it through the specific trials that my flesh would naturally perish in all glory goes to Him. For when I am weak, He is strong. And for those who know me, I do not like to be weak. I do not like to need people, I do not like compassion, or sympathy and I hate showing raw emotion that I cannot control.
But ever since that fall semester of Bible College in 2010 he has slowly been chipping away at my stone cold heart and giving me a love and need for people. Ezekiel 36:26 – I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. This was our semester verse. I was unaware the repercussions it would have on my life to pray this prayer everyday. Throughout this process of having a [spiritual] heart transplant there were certain things in my life I told God he wasn’t allowed to touch. I hope you learn from my mistakes and know that those certain areas will for sure be not just touched but shaken torn down and rebuilt.
My marriage was to be like a storybook romance. The kind of love that makes those cynics, like my self, sick. We were to have a beautiful life together, full of spontaneity, passion, and perfect children with a perfect job for both my husband and I. Weekends off, holidays with the whole family, and incredible birthday parties. Military life was never one I found appealing or beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, I have always had a deep appreciation and respect for them, but being a military wife is nothing I ever wanted for my self. One of my greatest fears was not being able to get pregnant. Though that fear disappeared only two short months after being married when we found out we were pregnant, a new one sprouted in its place. The fear of loosing a pregnancy. If you read my previous blogs, then you know how difficult it was for my body to keep this pregnancy. However this little girl is a fighter. She defied all odds and God kept her perfectly safe inside me (these past 7.5 months). When I found out I was high risk for having a down syndrome baby, I was in disbelief. I challenged the doctors tests, and more than once told them that I knew she wasn’t DS no matter what science told me. But each test kept proving me wrong. It wasn’t until there was a possibility down syndrome wasn’t the only finding that I truly became submissive and ready to take on this journey with an extra chromosome.
I remember pleading with God that she would make it past delivery, and if she did He could take anything else away from me. Even my own life. When my heart finally became ready for the worst case scenario, down syndrome seemed to be the best case scenario. And it was in the moment that I told my husband, when he came home from the army that I was so ready for this journey. His response was completely perfect and his love and acceptance of her challenged me. “Well we aren’t normal so we will be the perfect family”. There never seemed to be a fraction of doubt or worry in his heart. She was his and thats all that mattered.
Rewind to the morning before I found out I was pregnant. August 4th. I woke randomly at 3 am and scrolled the feed of Facebook. I came across a dear friends Vlog from bible college. She was sharing her and her husbands trial of loosing their baby to an ectopic pregnancy. My heart instantly broke. One of the first things that went through my head when I read that positive pregnancy test later than night was this beautiful couple. “God, I could never survive loosing a child. Don’t let that happen to me”. Throughout my entire pregnancy when a complication would happen, my mind automatically went to miscarriage. I would watch this couples Vlog and hope and pray I could have the strength they did. I don’t know if more and more young people are loosing their babies or if I just seem to be more tuned in to that type of news now being an expectant mother. But almost every week or so I seemed to find or hear about a baby that went to heaven. Heck, even our dog lost two of her puppies at birth. It seemed to be something that surrounded me. With each story I heard my heart became a little more hardened and that fear of loosing my child set in. It became an area in my life that I was NOT going to let God touch. I even threatened to walk away from my faith if He took my child from me. I still believe that if I ever lost a child i would go home to be with Jesus shortly after.
Putting that last section down on paper has been something I have refused to do for a very long time. Without fail, every prayer I plead with God to not allow happen to me becomes my reality. Military Wife, mother to a special needs baby….and Mother to an angel in heaven. Heck might as well just finally say the last one too. A widow by 25.
That first scripture, [ Psalms 34:4 – I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears] I wonder if when He says He will deliver me from all my fears if that means by putting me through them so that they are no longer fears of mine. Lord I hope not. This past week a fellow momma I was introduced to, thanks to a support group on Facebook for pregnant mommas to DS babies, lost her baby at 38 weeks. She delivered a beautiful son straight into the arms of Jesus on Friday Night, February 4th. Jameson Cade. I cried for her all day. Even though we have not personally met all of us DS mommas share such an instant bond/love (at least I do). Again, I laid in bed broken and angry at God. Why even create life just to take it. And threatened yet again if He allowed me to become part of this “club” as well i would never forgive Him. And then… This song ( <– click it ) came up on my news feed. Man, my heart broke. Adaline Grace is not mine. The word Grace even means getting something I don’t deserve. I have been gifted her. She is on lease to me. She is Gods. And I will cherish all the time I get to spend with her. And if God thinks that 9 months is long enough, though I will never understand, there is no better place for her to be than in the arms of her Savior. Don’t get me wrong, I would never desire to loose my child but it was through this song that another layer of my hard heart was broken. And another fear I have been delivered from.