Im 19 weeks pregnant and finally decided it was time to share the gender of our little one with you. We have known the gender for a while. We did the genetic test again, since my chances increased because of Adaline's results. And with the genetic tests comes the gender. I won't be sharing the video of how we found out, because well... we were expecting it to be something else and our reaction was..pricesless. But the genetic results, so far, have shown that we are having a healthy "typical" baby girl. There are no chromosome abnormalities. However....if you remember my post about a 2 -3 months back, I had been admitted to the hospital while I was out of town. The doctors were SURE I had a PE. My EKG and blood work were "alarming" so despite the radiation the baby would be exposed to at such a young gestation, we proceeded with the CT. The doctor assured me that he would do his best to minimize the radiation the baby was exposed to, however there are always risks. I had taken the genetic test before all of this happened, so if the radiation did cause cells to mutate and cause abnormalities in this pregnancy we will not know until birth. They will look closely at my mid pregnancy ultrasound this week to make sure nothing is out of the ordinary, but ultrasounds don't pick up everything so the final diagnosis won't be accurate until birth. 

This pregnancy has been VERY different than my last. With Adaline my pregnancy was so hard (see blog post here) physically but I kept it all together emotionally. Brian was gone, I bled for my entire 2nd trimester and was dilated for about a mont, I was on bed rest and receiving constant "bad news" regarding Adalines health and my chances of ever making it to full term. Then with her in the NICU and delivering with out Brian, you would have thought that I was going to have PPD. I only had about 1 freak out day after she was born, but other than that I never felt detached or depressed. I feel like I had anxiety and stress over her health after the NICU, but we were only apart of the NICU life for a week so it also wasn't very extreme. Life just seemed perfect. We have been so lucky with Adaline's health. She hasn't been sick, and only a few random ER trips (most due to me being a new paranoid mom). She's needed to see some specialist for some minor issues, but nothing requiring surgery. Its honestly been very easy being her mom. Don't get me wrong, we have our bad days. But those are only a small percentage compared to the joy she brings us! But....this pregnancy now took things to a whole new level. 

We weren't planning on having another. There was this one day where we both thought to ourselves "lets have a boy" as if we could decide the gender before even being conceived. And well... I'm just that fertile I guess. But honestly we were so content with just having one baby. We could picture ourselves as a family of three. So when we found out we were pregnant, it was such a shock. Not just emotionally but also mentally. We have been in this process of trying to figure out the next step for our family. Where we should live, if we should move out of state, Brian's career, leaving the army or pursuing a more full-time road with it. If I should start working just to have something for myself. And now all of these things have to be altered or fast tracked before our lives change forever. The stress seemed unreal. And being pregnancy with a girl just added so many hormones to my already hormone overloaded self. Then once this scare happened while I was out of town everything went crazy. 

Some of you might remember the insanely vulnerable post I made about some of my struggles with this pregnancy, being a special needs mom, and just feeling depressed. While there were a lot of you giving me support, there were also quite the opposite reaction. Comments and messages that were just mean and ugly. So I took a social media hiatus for a while, and focused on myself. I have since then seen a few doctors and things are looking better. We have discovered that because I never dealt with and processed everything that went on when I was pregnant with Adaline, I have developed Antenatal depression (AKA prenatal depression) which is a precursor to PPD. So its important for me to get it taken care of now so that I lower my chances of having PPD once Claramae comes. Ive only had a couple sessions, but Ive got to say, I think everyone should see some sort of counselor or have a third party to talk to who doesn't know you and doesn't judge. A safe place to share even your deepest darkest thoughts without fear of "getting in trouble". Hearing your thoughts out loud and emotions helps (me at least) to process and move on. 

I have since then become more motivated to get out of bed, do my daily SAHM chores, and socialize which is pretty important for my sanity haha. SO thank you to all of you who reached out and messaged me and shared your personal stories with me, and words of encouragement. It really helped to know that others go through this too and that Im not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Motherhood is HARD. Marriage is HARD. Life is HARD. It makes it so much more bearable when we share our struggles and come together to support and life each other up. Talking to family about personal deep things isn't always easy, and it always seems to feel much easier to open up to strangers who have gone through the same thing, so thank you to those friend and strangers who stood with me through all of this. You guys are awesome. This world needs more people like you <3 

Enough about me, I know you all want to see pictures of Adaline and know a little more about Claramae. So here are all the picture from our gender reveal. She did so good...until the end when she squeezed the lemon and it got in her eye...but we got that moment on photo and they are the best haha. 

All photos are taken by Everglow Photo

A lot of you asked how I made the milk bath. I bought a lot of flowers from trader joes, and filled the tub with warm water and poured in as much coconut milk as I wanted until I liked the color. I would usually add more, but I didn't want it to dilute the pink bath bomb so i kept it a little more clear than normal. 

Thats all for now. This post is longer than I expected. 

xoxo Hannah Lorain